Dear Jac,

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, but this last year has been extremely stressful. We are only living off of one income right now, my income, and it just hardly gets us by.

My boyfriend is “working” for his cousin who barely ever pays him. For example, my boyfriend worked 9 hours a day, five days a week for 3 weeks and he only got paid $120. I was livid, of course not at my boyfriend, at his cousin. Whenever I tell my boyfriend to say something, he says “I’ve tried” or “easier said then done.”

It has come to the point now where we can’t even talk about his work because it ends in a huge argument. I have turned to my parents many times for help, and they aren’t always happy about it, but they always help. They have helped with car payments, medical payments and miscellaneous things.

Because I run my own business (I dog groom at my house), by the time I pay my business needs and a few bills, we have little to no money for the rest of the week. My boyfriend also has child support that he is now behind in.

Anyways, the stress of all this is tearing us apart. I sometimes think I can’t take it anymore, and I just want to be back to my old self. I am only 22, and I feel like I am in a situation far too hard for me to take care of at my age. It is taking a toll on my health and his, and we don’t get much sleep anymore. We don’t want to be a victim to this recession but it looks like that is already happening. Can we make it?? Because I just don’t know anymore.

Sincerely,

C. B.

Dear C. B,

This one is tough. If you’re asking me whether or not to leave him, I can’t answer that. If you’re asking whether or not he’s worth the stress, I don’t think anyone has that answer.

If you replace the word “cousin” with “client” or “PayPal” (don’t even get me started on PayPal), you pretty much describe all of the arguments in my home as well, so I completely understand your frustrations.

When it comes to relationships we’re always told to pick our battles, but when it comes to finances I really feel the battle should be fought every time. It’s not fair for one person to contribute the entire income unless you can afford to do so. But in this day and age, that’s nearly impossible. Due to the recession, this seems to be happening more and more often sadly. Your boyfriend at least is in a position where he can get side work from his cheap cousin.

The argument is important enough to be had, I can’t stress this enough. There is no folding. You are borrowing from your parents and he is behind in child support. Between the two of you, you are unable to make ends meet. Something needs to be changed and the obvious fix begins at the cousin.

If it were me in the situation (and believe me, I’ve already done this), I would tell the boyfriend that he has two choices, either he gets more money from the cousin, or he works less. If the cousin needs his help that badly then he has to pay. Seriously, has he done the math? The cousin paid $0.88/hour!!!

Hardly seems worth it for that much, he’s better off not working at all. He could have spent those weeks looking for an actual job. In this weather, he can mow lawns and make more than what the cousin is offering.

Money is the hardest thing to overcome, and it’s the biggest stress factor in all relationships. If you can get through this, you can get through anything. But you should never lose yourself, or try not to.

Try to look at the relationship from the outside, or picture your closest friend asking for your advice. Would you tell them to stick it out? Ask yourself if you are the same person you always were, or at least the person you want to be. If the financial stress was gone would you be questioning your relationship? Have you learned something about your boyfriend’s priorities that question your future?

The best question to ask yourself, and possibly the hardest, if the two of you were to break up, what would you miss? Would you miss him, or just the comfort of having a boyfriend?

Because you are right. You are young and there is plenty of time. Be selfish. Take time for yourself and figure out your needs and wants. I’m not suggesting that you have to break up with him in order to find yourself, that’s entirely your call.

But if you’re not happy, then something has to change. Surely he’s not happy either. So sit down and have ‘the talk’. Figure out what has to change, because something does. Tell him to start looking for a job that pays $1/hour because I bet you he’d tell you that you are ridiculous, until you point out that it’s more than he makes now.

Don’t be afraid to take chances, because as cliché as it is, you can’t make someone else  happy if you’re not happy yourself.

Best of luck to you, honey. It’s not easy, but the best things in life never are.

Disclaimer: Jac Star is not a trained or qualified psychiatrist, although she does read a lot of books. The advice given here should not be substituted for professional counseling. Mainly because it’s free. And professional advice usually isn’t. If you have a question you’d like Jac to answer, please email her with the topic “Dear Jac” and she will try her best to offer you her worldly advice. Hopefully.

I wrote an email to my husband and before I post it, there are some things you need to know.

1.  I was spending the night at my mother’s, because I had errands to run the next day and it was easier to do it from her place. There was no fighting or any other silly reason.

2.  Danny (my husband) is here in Canada on vacation (according to the government). He’s been here waiting patiently since 2006 for his residency to come through. Each time he calls the government to see how his status is coming along, they give him another excuse and tell him to call back in a month or two. It is Danny’s responsibility to call the government each day to find out the status and hound them until he gets it. He fails to make these phone calls regularly.

3.  We have three cats and two dogs and they are all male. My dogs are hairless and there is a picture of them on my most recent rant – “I Smell A Rant – 6”.

4.  I wrote the following email to my husband just to say good night and remind him how I love him so.

To my Danny,

You drive me nuts at the best of times and I often think that “you don’t care” – especially when you don’t fix the government problem…

But I love you so very deeply and I just can’t picture my life any other way. You are my heart and I think I forget to tell you that.

I am pulling a ‘Danny’ – I tell everyone else how much you mean to me but I forget to tell you.

You’re so smart and clever and funny and charming and everything.
You’re everything.

You don’t just complete me, you are my better half. You are the most of me.

And you made room for my dogs and cats. To all the men in my life, furry or not, I love you.

Thank you.

Can I have sex now? No? Did I ruin it?

K, well I still love you.
Thinking lots about you as I sleep like a starfish in this big empty bed.

xoxox