You know what really grinds my gears – people who ask when I’m going to have a baby.

If you’re newly married, or childless and approaching 30, you’ll find that you get asked this a lot.

When are you going to have a baby? When are the babies coming? Are there children in the near future, etc. etc. etc.

Today, for example, my coworker said “hey so you’ve been married for a year or so now, when are the babies coming?” My response was “well, we’ve been trying for two and a half months but perhaps our methods of fornication aren’t the most conventional.”

She says “um, that was a little personal.” What makes you think your question wasn’t personal to begin with? Why do you think it’s ok to ask about children when you’re incapable of hearing any answer other than “hopefully soon”

I’ve decided that I’m going to make my answers more and more obscure until people get the hint. Here are some of the ones I’m prepared to try out:

We’re waiting for the second coming of Christ.

Well, the last time we tried we ended up with the ‘prom-night dumpster baby’ but that was early on. Maybe we’re ready now.

We already had one, but lost him in a supermarket. I’m not sure my parenting skills are up to snuff.

The doctor says after that unfortunate incident with a coat hanger, I’m unable to have children.

We placed a bid on Ebay for a new baby, we’re still waiting to see if we’ve won.

I’m a hermaphrodite and not all of my parts are female, including the reproductive system.

My husband’s infertile.

How many of these answers will it take before you get the message? It’s great that you want to know about my plans to repopulate the Earth, but at the end of the day it’s really none of your business.