Dear Jac,

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, but this last year has been extremely stressful. We are only living off of one income right now, my income, and it just hardly gets us by.

My boyfriend is “working” for his cousin who barely ever pays him. For example, my boyfriend worked 9 hours a day, five days a week for 3 weeks and he only got paid $120. I was livid, of course not at my boyfriend, at his cousin. Whenever I tell my boyfriend to say something, he says “I’ve tried” or “easier said then done.”

It has come to the point now where we can’t even talk about his work because it ends in a huge argument. I have turned to my parents many times for help, and they aren’t always happy about it, but they always help. They have helped with car payments, medical payments and miscellaneous things.

Because I run my own business (I dog groom at my house), by the time I pay my business needs and a few bills, we have little to no money for the rest of the week. My boyfriend also has child support that he is now behind in.

Anyways, the stress of all this is tearing us apart. I sometimes think I can’t take it anymore, and I just want to be back to my old self. I am only 22, and I feel like I am in a situation far too hard for me to take care of at my age. It is taking a toll on my health and his, and we don’t get much sleep anymore. We don’t want to be a victim to this recession but it looks like that is already happening. Can we make it?? Because I just don’t know anymore.

Sincerely,

C. B.

Dear C. B,

This one is tough. If you’re asking me whether or not to leave him, I can’t answer that. If you’re asking whether or not he’s worth the stress, I don’t think anyone has that answer.

If you replace the word “cousin” with “client” or “PayPal” (don’t even get me started on PayPal), you pretty much describe all of the arguments in my home as well, so I completely understand your frustrations.

When it comes to relationships we’re always told to pick our battles, but when it comes to finances I really feel the battle should be fought every time. It’s not fair for one person to contribute the entire income unless you can afford to do so. But in this day and age, that’s nearly impossible. Due to the recession, this seems to be happening more and more often sadly. Your boyfriend at least is in a position where he can get side work from his cheap cousin.

The argument is important enough to be had, I can’t stress this enough. There is no folding. You are borrowing from your parents and he is behind in child support. Between the two of you, you are unable to make ends meet. Something needs to be changed and the obvious fix begins at the cousin.

If it were me in the situation (and believe me, I’ve already done this), I would tell the boyfriend that he has two choices, either he gets more money from the cousin, or he works less. If the cousin needs his help that badly then he has to pay. Seriously, has he done the math? The cousin paid $0.88/hour!!!

Hardly seems worth it for that much, he’s better off not working at all. He could have spent those weeks looking for an actual job. In this weather, he can mow lawns and make more than what the cousin is offering.

Money is the hardest thing to overcome, and it’s the biggest stress factor in all relationships. If you can get through this, you can get through anything. But you should never lose yourself, or try not to.

Try to look at the relationship from the outside, or picture your closest friend asking for your advice. Would you tell them to stick it out? Ask yourself if you are the same person you always were, or at least the person you want to be. If the financial stress was gone would you be questioning your relationship? Have you learned something about your boyfriend’s priorities that question your future?

The best question to ask yourself, and possibly the hardest, if the two of you were to break up, what would you miss? Would you miss him, or just the comfort of having a boyfriend?

Because you are right. You are young and there is plenty of time. Be selfish. Take time for yourself and figure out your needs and wants. I’m not suggesting that you have to break up with him in order to find yourself, that’s entirely your call.

But if you’re not happy, then something has to change. Surely he’s not happy either. So sit down and have ‘the talk’. Figure out what has to change, because something does. Tell him to start looking for a job that pays $1/hour because I bet you he’d tell you that you are ridiculous, until you point out that it’s more than he makes now.

Don’t be afraid to take chances, because as cliché as it is, you can’t make someone else  happy if you’re not happy yourself.

Best of luck to you, honey. It’s not easy, but the best things in life never are.

Disclaimer: Jac Star is not a trained or qualified psychiatrist, although she does read a lot of books. The advice given here should not be substituted for professional counseling. Mainly because it’s free. And professional advice usually isn’t. If you have a question you’d like Jac to answer, please email her with the topic “Dear Jac” and she will try her best to offer you her worldly advice. Hopefully.

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Given my passion (or obsession) with books, you can imagine my very extensive book collection (home library). It’s pretty much 50/50. Half the books have been read, the other half are on what is known as the “TBR” pile. The ‘To Be Read’ pile, went from one shelf, to 1.5 bookcases in little more than a year.

I am always collecting and I’m always reading. I’ve actually narrowed down my purchases and now limit myself to 5 new books per month. I also receive at least one new book per month from the bookstore. This is free of charge, all they ask is that I read and post a review.

I like this deal, because I always review my books anyways and this gives me the opportunity to read a book by an author I’ve never heard of in a genre I’m not fluent in. It’s good to spice things up, if you ask me.

Given all the time and money I spend on books, you can understand why I take care of my precious collectibles. I rarely loan out my books because I get anxiety over it. If you have my book too long, I start to panic that something isn’t right.

When someone asks me if they can borrow a book, I almost always say yes but I have a speech prepared.

Here are my rules:

1. You do not crack the spine. I fully understand that you crack spines to open books, but when I say “do not crack the spine” I mean fold it over, the way you would a magazine. Books are not meant to be folded completely over that way. Figure out how to hold your book like your grade 2 teacher did when she’d show the class all the pretty pictures, or use two hands.

2. You do not fold the pages. No dog ears. You get a book mark, or you remember the page. You also do not leave the book spread open, face down on a hard surface. Please refer to rule #1 for the reasoning.

3. If the book comes back to me in a lesser shape then it went out to you, you will replace it brand new, same edition, no questions asked. So, when you bring the book on a cruise with you and leave it by the pool and it gets wet, you cannot say “I was on a cruise, these things happen.” Do you hear me, mom? That’s specifically to you. You almost lost your book-borrowing priveledges with that stunt. You’re lucky the love is unconditional, I tell you what.

People always laugh when I give my rules but by the end of the speech, they know I’m dead serious. Most people opt out of borrowing the book at that time, and I’m fully ok with that. Less anxiety for me.

The way I see it, rule #3 is enough and it counts the other two. But for people who aren’t as passionate about books, you need to give them all three rules. You wouldn’t borrow clothing and return it with holes or stains, would you?

Think about it this way.
I loan you $10. If you give me back $8.50, I’m going to ask for the balance. If I don’t want change, I might just say “wait until you have $10” then pay me back.

It’s the same. Pretend my book is $10. Give me back $10. ‘Nuff said.

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