Dear Jac,

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, but this last year has been extremely stressful. We are only living off of one income right now, my income, and it just hardly gets us by.

My boyfriend is “working” for his cousin who barely ever pays him. For example, my boyfriend worked 9 hours a day, five days a week for 3 weeks and he only got paid $120. I was livid, of course not at my boyfriend, at his cousin. Whenever I tell my boyfriend to say something, he says “I’ve tried” or “easier said then done.”

It has come to the point now where we can’t even talk about his work because it ends in a huge argument. I have turned to my parents many times for help, and they aren’t always happy about it, but they always help. They have helped with car payments, medical payments and miscellaneous things.

Because I run my own business (I dog groom at my house), by the time I pay my business needs and a few bills, we have little to no money for the rest of the week. My boyfriend also has child support that he is now behind in.

Anyways, the stress of all this is tearing us apart. I sometimes think I can’t take it anymore, and I just want to be back to my old self. I am only 22, and I feel like I am in a situation far too hard for me to take care of at my age. It is taking a toll on my health and his, and we don’t get much sleep anymore. We don’t want to be a victim to this recession but it looks like that is already happening. Can we make it?? Because I just don’t know anymore.

Sincerely,

C. B.

Dear C. B,

This one is tough. If you’re asking me whether or not to leave him, I can’t answer that. If you’re asking whether or not he’s worth the stress, I don’t think anyone has that answer.

If you replace the word “cousin” with “client” or “PayPal” (don’t even get me started on PayPal), you pretty much describe all of the arguments in my home as well, so I completely understand your frustrations.

When it comes to relationships we’re always told to pick our battles, but when it comes to finances I really feel the battle should be fought every time. It’s not fair for one person to contribute the entire income unless you can afford to do so. But in this day and age, that’s nearly impossible. Due to the recession, this seems to be happening more and more often sadly. Your boyfriend at least is in a position where he can get side work from his cheap cousin.

The argument is important enough to be had, I can’t stress this enough. There is no folding. You are borrowing from your parents and he is behind in child support. Between the two of you, you are unable to make ends meet. Something needs to be changed and the obvious fix begins at the cousin.

If it were me in the situation (and believe me, I’ve already done this), I would tell the boyfriend that he has two choices, either he gets more money from the cousin, or he works less. If the cousin needs his help that badly then he has to pay. Seriously, has he done the math? The cousin paid $0.88/hour!!!

Hardly seems worth it for that much, he’s better off not working at all. He could have spent those weeks looking for an actual job. In this weather, he can mow lawns and make more than what the cousin is offering.

Money is the hardest thing to overcome, and it’s the biggest stress factor in all relationships. If you can get through this, you can get through anything. But you should never lose yourself, or try not to.

Try to look at the relationship from the outside, or picture your closest friend asking for your advice. Would you tell them to stick it out? Ask yourself if you are the same person you always were, or at least the person you want to be. If the financial stress was gone would you be questioning your relationship? Have you learned something about your boyfriend’s priorities that question your future?

The best question to ask yourself, and possibly the hardest, if the two of you were to break up, what would you miss? Would you miss him, or just the comfort of having a boyfriend?

Because you are right. You are young and there is plenty of time. Be selfish. Take time for yourself and figure out your needs and wants. I’m not suggesting that you have to break up with him in order to find yourself, that’s entirely your call.

But if you’re not happy, then something has to change. Surely he’s not happy either. So sit down and have ‘the talk’. Figure out what has to change, because something does. Tell him to start looking for a job that pays $1/hour because I bet you he’d tell you that you are ridiculous, until you point out that it’s more than he makes now.

Don’t be afraid to take chances, because as cliché as it is, you can’t make someone else  happy if you’re not happy yourself.

Best of luck to you, honey. It’s not easy, but the best things in life never are.

Disclaimer: Jac Star is not a trained or qualified psychiatrist, although she does read a lot of books. The advice given here should not be substituted for professional counseling. Mainly because it’s free. And professional advice usually isn’t. If you have a question you’d like Jac to answer, please email her with the topic “Dear Jac” and she will try her best to offer you her worldly advice. Hopefully.

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Dear Jac,

I’d like to get something really nice for my girlfriend for her birthday. We’ve been together for 8 months now and for every occasion I seem to get things wrong.

In November, we passed a jewelry store and she saw this diamond necklace that she absolutely loved. I bought it for her for Christmas. Apparently she was eyeing the white gold one, not the yellow gold. She cried and said I didn’t know her well at all.

I told her I’d exchange it but then she cried harder saying that I don’t understand what she wants. She basically gave me the silent treatment until I bought her the white gold, diamond necklace. This was in addition to the original one, because I didn’t want to ask her to part with it. She was wearing it after all.

For Valentines Day, I surprised her with romance. A nice, home-cooked, candlelit dinner, and a table decorated with rose pedals. I gave her a dozen red roses, and a pair of earrings to match the necklace. White gold, I remembered this time.

Well she complained about the dinner saying it was dry and overcooked, and about the roses saying that long-stem says ‘I love you’ better than the average rose, and I’m now forcing her to choose the white gold necklace over the yellow gold, because of the earrings. I should have got her earrings to match both necklaces that way she’d have a choice.

Her birthday is in 2 weeks, what do I do?

Thanks,

Dave

Hello Dave,

I really think you should be spending less on jewelry and start saving for that surgery. You know, the spine replacement surgery? What happened to you? How are you able to get out of bed every day, without a backbone to hold you upright?

I’m not sure that Hallmark makes suitable birthday cards for this girlfriend of yours so I recommend you write your own. It should go something like this:

“For your birthday, I got you nothing. You are undeserving and ungrateful and there are plenty of fish in the sea. I’m moving on. I want someone who appreciates me and won’t take advantage of my kindness. Find someone else to walk all over. Move on.”

Hopefully she throws the jewelry back at you and you can return it. Or re-gift it. I bet your mom would like a new necklace. She’d probably say “Dave, it’s beautiful” because that’s what any normal human would say.

Get over it. Tell your friends, if you have any left. You’ll all drink and make fun of the wench. Then they’ll help you find a real woman. If not, well I’m sure I can hook you up.

Email me when you get your spine back and we’ll talk.

Jac

• Disclaimer: Jac Star is not a trained or qualified psychiatrist, although she does read a lot of books. The advice given here should not be substituted for professional counseling. Mainly because it’s free. And professional advice usually isn’t. If you have a question you’d like Jac to answer, please email her with the topic “Dear Jac” and she will try her best to offer you her worldly advice. Hopefully.

If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to leave a comment and subscribe to my feed or by email to receive the latest Dear Jac updates.

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Dear Jac,

My wife and I are trying to get pregnant. We’ve ‘tried’ only once since this decision and she’s convinced it’s happened. Please explain to her that you can’t get pregnant after just the one time. She loves your blog, I know she’ll listen to you.

Sincerely yours,

TK

Dear TK,

Congratulations on the big decision. Although the odds are against you getting it right the first time, it is not impossible. You know that week in junior high when they change gym class to health class? I’m not sure if you missed that week, but they explain it only takes once.

Even condoms aren’t 100% effective. I’ve known people who use a condom and birth control and still got pregnant. I also know someone who got pregnant despite the fact that her partner ‘pulled out’ prior to.

So anything is possible. Did you attend all of your math classes? How about the lesson on probability? She either is pregnant, or isn’t. There’s a 50/50 chance. Take the test. Take it a second time a week later, if you don’t trust the results. Or go to the doctor.

She may not be pregnant, but avoiding the test leaves everyone unsatisfied. And keep trying tiger – at least the process is fun.

Jac

Oh, and say hi from me – thanks for reading!

• Disclaimer: Jac Star is not a trained or qualified psychiatrist, although she does read a lot of books. The advice given here should not be substituted for professional counseling. Mainly because it’s free. And professional advice usually isn’t. If you have a question you’d like Jac to answer, please email her with the topic “Dear Jac” and she will try her best to offer you her worldly advice. Hopefully.

If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to leave a comment and subscribe to my feed or by email to receive the latest updates.

No related posts.