Dear Jac,

Right now I’m in a low spot of my life, so to speak.  Things have been very stressful with school work and residual work from my old job, applying to and being rejected from grad schools, and most recently my grandfather’s cancer diagnosis.

He has lung cancer that has spread to his lymph nodes, kidney, and bones.  He was given six months in February.  Add on top of all of that the occasional relationship and family stresses, and needless to say life just kind of sucks right now.

There is one friend of mine that I talk to on a fairly regular basis via the interweb.  We started talking more so this year when she decided to apply to law schools on a whim after I had started to prepare my applications (I’ve planned on being a lawyer since I was 10 years old, just to put it into perspective).

It has been constant badgering ever since – constantly flooded with questions about the application and the LSAT.  After the applications were due it became about the personal statements we had written (she wanted to exchange them, and I obliged) and still the LSAT.  Once early offers were being sent out, I would continuously get messages about so-and-so who just got in and whats-her-face who got rejected.

I had to tell her to stop because I really didn’t care one way or the other about who’s getting accepted while I’m either being rejected or not hearing anything.  She took it okay, and has since stopped.

But now she’s latched on to something else.  Do you want to take a guess?  Yes, my current life situation.  Ever since I told her about my grandpa, it’s been non-stop questions about me.  Every single day I get the MSN message asking “How are you doing today?” or “How is life treating you today?” or “How are you feeling?”.  Every single day.

How the hell does she think I’m feeling?  It’s not like my grandfather is going to miraculously go into remission over night.  It’s not as if the remainder of my stress is going to disappear either.  Even if it did, there’s still going to be a dark cloud over everything for at least the next six months.  I know she means well and is just really concerned, but it’s honestly becoming too much.

I don’t need a constant reminder in the form of a question of how sucky things are right now.  I had no problem telling her to stop talking about the law school nonsense (actually, I did…I put up with it for a while before I finally said something), but considering this is so personal and know she has the best of intentions I don’t want to be rude and say “Back off and leave me alone”.  I really do appreciate her concern, her thoughts, and her prayers, but it’s not going to help me to be overwhelmed by it all.

I also don’t think it’s too hard to sit back and think “Could her situation really have changed all that much since yesterday?  No, probably not.” and thus NOT ask me about it.  I’ve started barely talking to her, giving her the one word answers.  She called me on it the other day, and then pressed even further as to how I was doing.  I lied to her and told her I was busy.

She said that she doesn’t want to be a nuisance, so I can just tell her if I want to be left alone.  She says that, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t take it very kindly if I told her to leave me alone – I wouldn’t blame her.  At this point, I’ve basically started ignoring her messages and pretending like I’m not around.

Is there any way I can tell her that her overabundant concern is the opposite of helpful?  I really don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I’m starting to get so annoyed with it that I don’t think I can take much more of it.

Thanks!

Signed,

Treading Carefully

Dear Treading Carefully,

First and foremost, I’m sorry to hear about your grandfather. On it’s own, the school thing is a stressful time and I can’t imagine walking in your shoes these days. Hang in there is my advice to you. Take some deep breaths, lock yourself in a bedroom and jump on the bed. Listen to some loud music and have a dance party for one. It might feel good to release some of that anxiety. If nothing else, it will at least tire you out and you’ll have a good night sleep and prepare yourself for yet another day.

As for your friends, try to keep in mind that they mean well. For me, when I was going through my tough times, I felt like the common phrase was “things happen for a reason” and that made me even more frustrated. At this point, I don’t care what the reason is, nor do I want to know why these things are happening. I just want to move on.

You focus on you. Don’t think about anything else. Don’t think about the people that get on your nerves or the reasons why they are applying to schools. It’s fueling your rage. Law school is and has been your dream for quite some time so it means a lot. If your friend is anything like me, well I like to change it up. My attitude would be ‘if law school doesn’t work out, then I’ll try something different’ and I’d try not to let it give me any extra stress.

When your friend asks you about how you are, keep on with the one word answers. But you have to keep going. Reverse the conversation. Whatever you do, don’t bring up law school, because it doesn’t matter if the topic is on you or her, it’s only going to upset you.

Here are some good tangent examples “I’m alright, hey do you have any good chocolate cake recipes?” Then you guys can talk about chocolate cake for a bit. If and when the subject comes back to you, then you just give another tangent “I’m looking for a good book to read, any suggestions?”

Then before she can ask you something else, ask her about herself. Something you know will get her talking. Again, avoid school. If the conversation comes back to you again, this is when you get to be straightforward “hey, I don’t really want to talk about things. They aren’t getting better and talking about them is only making it worse.” If that still doesn’t work then give her the good ol’ BLOCK.

It is ok to be completely selfish from time to time. These are those times. You take care of yourself, and you take care of your Grandpa, the way you know how.

Oh oh, and take up boxing.

Good luck with Law school, when I get sued for poor advice, can I come to you?

• Disclaimer: Jac Star is not a trained or qualified psychiatrist, although she does read a lot of books. The advice given here should not be substituted for professional counseling. Mainly because it’s free. And professional advice usually isn’t. If you have a question you’d like Jac to answer, please email her with the topic “Dear Jac” and she will try her best to offer you her worldly advice. Hopefully.

If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to leave a comment and subscribe to my feed or by email to receive the latest Dear Jac updates.

No related posts.

Did anyone else hear about Elaine Hess? She was awarded eight million dollars when her husband died of lung cancer. “Stuart Hess died in 1997 at age 55 after decades as a chain smoker.”

Ahem, what did he think would happen? So here he is smoking away, filling his lungs, body, and the rest of the room with filthy smoke, he can’t NOT know the consequences. Even in the 90s, I am positive they taught ‘stop, drop, and roll’ during the fire safety lesson in school. Smoke rises, and you’re to stay close to the ground to avoid inhaling too much. THIS IS TAUGHT IN SCHOOL!

Ok let’s say that Stuart didn’t go to school, or he didn’t go to a school that teaches this. Let’s say he’s never heard of the ‘stop, drop, and roll’ rule before. What part of him thinks, ‘hey, smoke is good for you’? Would he run into a burning building? Or stand in front of it? That’s ok, if he died, his wife would sue the Fire Department for not putting the fire out before he happened to walk by.

Elaine claims that this tobacco company was misleading people for years. Are you kidding? Did they come out and say “smoking is good for you, tobacco tastes like cherries”?

No they didn’t. All smokers and non-smokers are fully aware of the consequences. Perhaps not at the time when cigarettes first came out, but I would bet that for a good 30 years before Stuart died, this would be common knowledge.

How many smokers do you know that say “I know I could get cancer, but it will be worth it?” I think they are deluding themselves. They’re probably thinking, even if I die young, I’ve lived a good life. They’re not thinking of all the pain and suffering that comes with a cancerous death, but just because they’re not thinking about it, doesn’t mean they are ignorant. This isn’t worthy of a lawsuit.

Elaine Hess states ”It was about doing the right thing. I just really hope this can help all the thousands of families who have also suffered.” I know you’re sad at the loss of your husband. But there is nothing right about his choice to smoke in the first place. You should not be awarded for his mistake. Unless you are giving your money to the other families who have suffered this kind of loss, they are not going to benefit from this lawsuit either.

Rewarding bad behaviour is not a lesson we should teach or follow.

But since it worked for Elaine Hess, here is what I suggest we do. Smoke until your death. If you’re a non-smoker, there’s still a chance for you yet.

My husband made a good point of saying that this is the equivalent of suing a fast food chain for obesity.

So to all you hamburger loving, fatties out there. Knock yourself out. When you die, your spouse can sue a fast food chain for some big bucks. I see this as a win-win. First, you get to eat all you want and not watch your weight. Second, you die with a smile on your face AND your spouse gets to wallow in millions of dollars to wash away the pain and suffering of your loss… or her loss… whatever makes more sense.

Just go for it. This is the lesson learned. Abuse your body if it makes you happy. Your spouse will be happy with the money in your afterlife. It’s like winning the lottery for being stupid.

Thanks Elaine, I hope we all can learn the big lesson here.

http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2009/02/18/business/AP-Florida-Smokers.html?_r=3

No related posts.