Dear Jac – I Object

Dear Jac,

Right now I’m in a low spot of my life, so to speak.  Things have been very stressful with school work and residual work from my old job, applying to and being rejected from grad schools, and most recently my grandfather’s cancer diagnosis.

He has lung cancer that has spread to his lymph nodes, kidney, and bones.  He was given six months in February.  Add on top of all of that the occasional relationship and family stresses, and needless to say life just kind of sucks right now.

There is one friend of mine that I talk to on a fairly regular basis via the interweb.  We started talking more so this year when she decided to apply to law schools on a whim after I had started to prepare my applications (I’ve planned on being a lawyer since I was 10 years old, just to put it into perspective).

It has been constant badgering ever since – constantly flooded with questions about the application and the LSAT.  After the applications were due it became about the personal statements we had written (she wanted to exchange them, and I obliged) and still the LSAT.  Once early offers were being sent out, I would continuously get messages about so-and-so who just got in and whats-her-face who got rejected.

I had to tell her to stop because I really didn’t care one way or the other about who’s getting accepted while I’m either being rejected or not hearing anything.  She took it okay, and has since stopped.

But now she’s latched on to something else.  Do you want to take a guess?  Yes, my current life situation.  Ever since I told her about my grandpa, it’s been non-stop questions about me.  Every single day I get the MSN message asking “How are you doing today?” or “How is life treating you today?” or “How are you feeling?”.  Every single day.

How the hell does she think I’m feeling?  It’s not like my grandfather is going to miraculously go into remission over night.  It’s not as if the remainder of my stress is going to disappear either.  Even if it did, there’s still going to be a dark cloud over everything for at least the next six months.  I know she means well and is just really concerned, but it’s honestly becoming too much.

I don’t need a constant reminder in the form of a question of how sucky things are right now.  I had no problem telling her to stop talking about the law school nonsense (actually, I did…I put up with it for a while before I finally said something), but considering this is so personal and know she has the best of intentions I don’t want to be rude and say “Back off and leave me alone”.  I really do appreciate her concern, her thoughts, and her prayers, but it’s not going to help me to be overwhelmed by it all.

I also don’t think it’s too hard to sit back and think “Could her situation really have changed all that much since yesterday?  No, probably not.” and thus NOT ask me about it.  I’ve started barely talking to her, giving her the one word answers.  She called me on it the other day, and then pressed even further as to how I was doing.  I lied to her and told her I was busy.

She said that she doesn’t want to be a nuisance, so I can just tell her if I want to be left alone.  She says that, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t take it very kindly if I told her to leave me alone – I wouldn’t blame her.  At this point, I’ve basically started ignoring her messages and pretending like I’m not around.

Is there any way I can tell her that her overabundant concern is the opposite of helpful?  I really don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I’m starting to get so annoyed with it that I don’t think I can take much more of it.

Thanks!

Signed,

Treading Carefully

Dear Treading Carefully,

First and foremost, I’m sorry to hear about your grandfather. On it’s own, the school thing is a stressful time and I can’t imagine walking in your shoes these days. Hang in there is my advice to you. Take some deep breaths, lock yourself in a bedroom and jump on the bed. Listen to some loud music and have a dance party for one. It might feel good to release some of that anxiety. If nothing else, it will at least tire you out and you’ll have a good night sleep and prepare yourself for yet another day.

As for your friends, try to keep in mind that they mean well. For me, when I was going through my tough times, I felt like the common phrase was “things happen for a reason” and that made me even more frustrated. At this point, I don’t care what the reason is, nor do I want to know why these things are happening. I just want to move on.

You focus on you. Don’t think about anything else. Don’t think about the people that get on your nerves or the reasons why they are applying to schools. It’s fueling your rage. Law school is and has been your dream for quite some time so it means a lot. If your friend is anything like me, well I like to change it up. My attitude would be ‘if law school doesn’t work out, then I’ll try something different’ and I’d try not to let it give me any extra stress.

When your friend asks you about how you are, keep on with the one word answers. But you have to keep going. Reverse the conversation. Whatever you do, don’t bring up law school, because it doesn’t matter if the topic is on you or her, it’s only going to upset you.

Here are some good tangent examples “I’m alright, hey do you have any good chocolate cake recipes?” Then you guys can talk about chocolate cake for a bit. If and when the subject comes back to you, then you just give another tangent “I’m looking for a good book to read, any suggestions?”

Then before she can ask you something else, ask her about herself. Something you know will get her talking. Again, avoid school. If the conversation comes back to you again, this is when you get to be straightforward “hey, I don’t really want to talk about things. They aren’t getting better and talking about them is only making it worse.” If that still doesn’t work then give her the good ol’ BLOCK.

It is ok to be completely selfish from time to time. These are those times. You take care of yourself, and you take care of your Grandpa, the way you know how.

Oh oh, and take up boxing.

Good luck with Law school, when I get sued for poor advice, can I come to you?

• Disclaimer: Jac Star is not a trained or qualified psychiatrist, although she does read a lot of books. The advice given here should not be substituted for professional counseling. Mainly because it’s free. And professional advice usually isn’t. If you have a question you’d like Jac to answer, please email her with the topic “Dear Jac” and she will try her best to offer you her worldly advice. Hopefully.

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