Dear Jac – Fairweather Friends?

Dear Jac,

I have this ‘special’ friend who annoys me to tears. I’ll explain the extent of our friendship first. We’ve been working together for 3+ years, we don’t hang out outside of work, except that one time that we went out for drinks. One time. We do have chatty lunches and I’d like to think we’ve bonded over time. He tells me all his stories, financial difficulties, bad breakups etc. When I can get a word in, I feel it’s safe to tell him my stories as well.

Any ways, a few years ago he met this guy, and he thinks he’s the one. I hate the guy. My friend talks nonstop about his new boyfriend and he let him move in right away! He probably doesn’t even know his last name yet but hey, why don’t you move in to my place? That’s just not right. The boyfriend doesn’t work. He can’t hold a job. He doesn’t even look for a job. He knows he’s set because my friend is the ‘sugar daddy.’ My friend even bought him a car!

This boyfriend is so clearly using my friend and there is nothing I can do about it. My friend continues to talk about how bad the relationship can get without a second income and with the boyfriend been caught cheating and so forth.

I’ve been listening to this on again off again crap for over two years. And I can’t say one negative word about the bad boyfriend because he’s always allowed back into the house. I’ve seen my friend cut out all of his other friendships because they don’t like the boyfriend. But this guy is a total loser!

How can I get my friend not to talk to me about him anymore. I just can’t handle another word.

Thanks,

Grace (Will and Grace, get it? Lol ok just put ‘Anonymous’)

Hello Anonymous Grace!

I’ve learned to cast out the drama queens. They’re not worth the effort involved. Ever. It’s always about them. Everyone goes through periods where they need their friends but this guy doesn’t seem to get out of that period. You’ve known him how long? And either this entire time he’s been dating the freeloader, or he just started after the two of you met. Your friend is always about himself. He clearly doesn’t care about his friends as he dumps them all for his low-life boyfriend.

The guy needs a good slap in the face, if you ask me. I don’t expect you to do this, but if it were me, I’d try to figure out a way to work that into casual conversation. “Hey, let’s meet by the water cooler in 5 minutes, OK?” *SMACK* He’s so self-involved he probably wouldn’t notice.

Or hey, you can say “my car ran out of gas, can I have yours?” Your friend is ridiculous. Letting himself be walked on like that, I’d jump on board. “Hey I forgot my lunch, can you buy me that big red lobster, I’m hungry.”

If you’re not as cruel and physical as me, you might prefer a more subtle approach. I suggest diverting the conversation. Always. When he asks you about your day, or your weekend, do not answer. This is a trick question. He doesn’t care. He wants to talk about his. So give the standard “good.” But never finish with “and yours?” This will be a hard habit to break. If you can’t figure out how to do it, don’t answer the question at all.

Or answer it with a question in your own distraction. For example, don’t make eye contact and try a question like “does this shirt look ok? I got dressed in the dark today.” This is a good one because a statement comes at the end. He’s not obligated to answer the question and you can sit in silence after. Silence is peaceful.

Don’t sit with him for lunch anymore. Always be conveniently busy. Eventually he’ll find a new friend. He’s so consumed with himself he probably won’t notice. It will be one of those things where in a few months, you’ll bump into him in the hallway and he’ll look at you like you’re a complete stranger who he has never seen before.

Life is too short for the unnecessary drama. Your friend chooses to be with this cheating, low-life, freeloader. No one needs friends like that.

• Disclaimer: Jac Star is not a trained or qualified psychiatrist, although she does read a lot of books. The advice given here should not be substituted for professional counseling. Mainly because it’s free. And professional advice usually isn’t. If you have a question you’d like Jac to answer, please email her with the topic “Dear Jac” and she will try her best to offer you her worldly advice. Hopefully.

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